There are 5 stages of grief that every person goes through when it comes to dealing with loss or death: denial and isolation, anger, bargaining, depression…
The final stage is acceptance, which recently I have come to realize that I haven’t reached yet. But at the same time, I don’t feel depressed at all either.
I’m stuck in a limbo and I’m going to have to do something to reach that final stage. Going to his grave is the best option right now since the other option is out of my control, which is seeing some sort of justice from this and finding out what really happened. There’s a slim chance of ever seeing that happen though.
1. Lose a fuck ton of weight
2. Tone the fuck up like a VS model
^^^ this needs to be done in less than 2 months.
3. Read more
4. Spend money wisely/ stop eating out so much
5. Keep horseback riding
6. Study more/ procrastinate less
7. Finish decorating my room/ change out pictures
8. Stop slipping on my diet just because I’m about to start my period
9. Find a new job
10. Stop taking out my stresses on the ones I love
I’m not going to lie. 2012 was one of the worst years I’ve had in a while. Although, the first half started out pretty damn awesome: I was happy and I was finally free of shithole Valencia and ready for the big girl status of being at a university. Then June 2, 2012 is when everything crashed. My heart was completely shattered without any hope being put back together any time soon. My future plans crumbled because he didn’t want to be in them anymore. Then, the cherry on top came a couple weeks later on June 29, 2012 when I experienced death of a loved one for the first time. Shaun was my best friend and I do regret not hanging out with him more or going on that final beach trip that killed him. But one of our final moments together is still so clear in my head of me crying into his chest and him holding me and comforting me over this heartbreak. I still miss him every day and still always get choked up, but I know he’s up there looking out for me. He tried to hook me up with his best friend and when that wasn’t working out, he brought the love of my life back to me.
In the remaining 6 months of 2012, some good things actually started to happen. I was never completely happy without him being mine, but starting UCF and becoming a part of the Equestrian Club and volunteering at Freedom Ride changed me. I’m more independent and I’ve grown up a lot. My unconditional love of horses has sparked up again and being back in the saddle has never felt so good. The new friends I’ve made through this are awesome and it’s nice to get away from the drinking and the smoking and just be content mucking out stalls. I moved into a new “adult” apartment and the roommate situation has worked out perfectly.
2012 luckily ended just as good as it started. He finally has come back to me and this time it’s going to be for good. We’ve never been stronger or happier. I just have to learn to trust again. And I’ve got high expectations for 2013 now.